mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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