she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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