He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
