I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
