I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
