I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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