I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
