it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
