this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
is wine microwaveable?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
