come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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