You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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