She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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