Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
