I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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