i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
this just has baby written all over it
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
