my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.