Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory