nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
These 25 Rude People Ruined Movies for Everyone Else
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
23 Cringeworthy Responses to “I Love You”
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...