Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober