for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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