I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
