My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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