I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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