My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
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Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
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I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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