too bad you live with your parents still
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
