found the other keg... it's in the tree
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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