I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
