Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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