Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize