After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
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I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
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It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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