I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
