saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I believe in your delicious
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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