I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We have so much sex to catch up on
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
