A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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