for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
