So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
