if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
