Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
