im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize