i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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