i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
