She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
