At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize