how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
