Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
