did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
