HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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