OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
