Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
