Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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