He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
