Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
