just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I think my fart just growled at me.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
