Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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