Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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