There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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