Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
