Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
