woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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