Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
