420 ftw
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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